Free


Sometimes I wish I was free,

like the ocean in me.

Instead I feel the tide

wash up inside.

Hold my breath and count to ten,

open my eyes,

I’m me again.

Taste the sand

beneath my feet,

close my eyes,

envision easy street.

The world is a dome,

I keep sliding down,

like the smile on my face,

easily mistaken for a frown.

Feel your breath,

and take it in.

Exhale,

I’m free again.

 

Swell


Antique blue and china white

Pepper sea like baby’s breath

Dreams flash, evaporate with tide

Eyes on you last night, just a sigh

Face faded long before opening eyes

Swell, go with it

Along for the ride

Splash in the puddle

Drowns out all other noise

Stinger leaves an after-burn

Treasure the feeling now before the words change

Before the page makes a turn

Shrug


They care only for themselves

In this race against time.

Stuck behind pieces of thick yellow tape,

I stand, a naked and bruised pantomime,

Marsh air so thick it lingers on my tongue.

They turn their backs and shrug,

Thinking they have won.

 

He stands so close, there is no distinction.

Now we are taller and twice as strong.

There is a balance created between us,

So that together we can’t go wrong.

A touch that dulls the ache, making me warm,

His body is a double plated shield,

Keeping me safe from harm.

 

She is a reflection of my youth,

The one who knew me well.

I always guess what hides beneath

The things she doesn’t tell.

Together we grow older, and older more apart,

But I’ll always be here for her,

As it has been from the start.

 

Time races by without a second chance.

I struggle to keep up and take a look around.

Life has lost it’s simple meaning, 

With answers too profound.

Today we climb this hill, that tomorrow may be a mountain,

Whose peak holds all I wish for still,

While we bathe in it’s youthful fountain.

Suicide II


A lonely tear

Falls silently to the ground,

Reflecting the dreams

That are yet to be found.

An unreal smile

Presiding the pain,

A heart welded together

Holding inside it the shame.

A puddle of blood

Grows deeper on the floor,

Until the fear inside her

Exists no more.

Her motionless body

Grows paler in the light,

As reality swims away

And she begins to lose sight.

Her bloody palms splayed before her,

Releasing the sin.

And the images of death

Are portrayed in the end.

 

Zombie


“Zombies do not speak, cannot fend for themselves, do not even know their names.” ~Wade Davis, The Serpent and the Rainbow

Sometimes I feel like a zombie, staggering through life, head full of dreams and starving.  I open my eyes and stretch as the sun goes down. The night drags on, so I fill it with words, until I look up to find daylight leaking through my window.  I tell myself each morning as I close my eyes that I will end the vicious cycle.  I set my alarm for three in the afternoon and hit snooze until it stops going off.  Two hours later I wake to see the sun sinking below the horizon once again.

People retire early where I live.  Restaurants are closed by ten, and most everything else closes by six or seven. On my schedule, the only place to shop is the twenty-four hour Walmart, and I hate shopping there.  Hardly a market exists that Walmart hasn’t stuck it’s hands in, and the good ol’ mom and pop shops are suffering for it.  I prefer to support my local community, whatever community that may be at the time.  Yet, how can I if the town is asleep when I wake?

I don’t know any other zombies who share this bizarre sleep pattern besides Brad, my fiancé.  It’s hard to make friends in this world.  I used to go out to bars a lot, and it was easy to meet people that way.  I even met Brad at a bar (a gay bar, in fact, but that’s another story). I stopped drinking two years ago, so ironically, we choose to avoid the nightlife.  I don’t know where to go to make friends now.  I feel like an outsider wherever I go. When you spend your life moving from place to place, you learn not to let yourself become comfortable with your surroundings, and it starts to take a toll.  I’m beginning to notice the long-term effects.

Tomorrow I want put an end to this vicious cycle.  I will set my alarm early and get up when I hear its shrill call.  I’ll go to sleep before the sun starts to come up, set the alarm for an hour earlier than I set it the day before, and repeat this pattern until a new cycle forms. It’s time to step out of the darkness and into the light. The sun is beckoning.

The War Within


“But if war comes, all that will go for nothing.”~The Tryst by Michael Dibdin

Many images come to mind when I think of war- explosions, mutilations, people suffering, torture, blood, weapons, planes, helicopters, ships, missiles, bombs, victory, defeat, destruction.  The list goes on.  I am someone who believes very strongly that war should be kept as a last resort.  I’d like to say I don’t believe in war.  I’d like to think that war is an unnecessary evil.  I just don’t know how realistic that is.  The balance between good and evil has to be restored somehow. Take Hitler for example.  If no one had gone to war against Hitler and his army, what kind of world would we be living in today?

I won’t sit here and pretend I know everything there is to know about the history of the world, or war for that matter.  If it’s history you want, you’ll have to find it elsewhere.  I’ve never been much of a history buff. Maybe if I had ever experienced war on a personal level, I would feel comfortable talking about all its horrors.  The fact is, I am one of the lucky ones.  I have never been directly touched by war.  Everything I know about war I learned in books, on television, in newspapers, and from people I’ve met.  I feel I am unqualified to talk about it.

There is another kind of war, though, one that I am quite familiar with. We are all familiar with it in some way.  It’s the war within, the internal battle we fight everyday.  It takes different forms and we apply it to different circumstances, but it’s all part of the same battle.  More often than not, this battle boils down to nurture versus nature.

There was a time when I believed that everyone, and I mean everyone, was good at the core of their being.  This might sound crazy, but I believed that if someone was an outwardly “bad” person, intent on doing more harm than good, I could connect with that person on a deeper level and draw that person’s goodness to the surface.  Everyone is born innocent.  Life changes us.  I thought that knowing everyone was inherently good and finding that good in everyone would keep me from getting hurt.

Obviously, I was wrong.  The first time I was really hurt, the curtain came down, and it nearly destroyed me.  The kaleidoscope I saw our beautiful world through lost its color.   I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover, knowing what I know now.  I’ll never see the world as I saw it before, but color has returned and grows more vibrant everyday.

That is how the battle begins.  A part of me still believes that there is good in everyone.  Part of me thinks the good in some of us is buried so deep, it would take a small miracle to dig it up.  I’ve even caught myself looking at someone, wondering if good was ever there in the first place.  I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but the more I see, the more difficult it becomes.  It’s a constant struggle.  A war.

That’s just one example, but the war continues in so many other ways. I will not let it harden me. I will hold onto innocence as long as I can.  I will not bury my heart.  I will dust it off, fill it with goodness, sprinkle it with love, and share it with the world. That is how the war is won.

Say Anything


I’m starting a new category here at the Reef.  The name of the category is Say Anything.  The idea is to pick a random quote from one of my books and write whatever comes to mind when I read it.   Each post will start with the chosen sentence in quotations and it’s author.  I think this will be a good way to generate new ideas, express my thoughts, and help you (dear reader) get to know me a little better. Get ready, because I’m bound to say anything…